It's a time when I look back on all my grand plans from the start of the year and see just how far I've come. Or not come, as is usually the case.
My friend Michelle posted a bit of a ramble on her blog and I've read through it a couple of times, now.
I have to come clean with a few things. Forgive me, Michelle. I've been reading this blog since before I started my own blog. In fact, Michelle's blog was part of what inspired me to start my own on-line journal and relative "me-fest." Over the past 15 months or so, Michelle has been on a huge journey which has taken her from a place where she was dissatisfied with her health and fitness level to a place of amazing success. She has been dedicated and honest about where she is at any given moment, celebrating her well-deserved/earned victories and confronting her set-backs.
What should serve as an inspiration for me has generally elicited a level of bitterness and vituperation of which I am not proud.
I don't like to discuss myself. I don't like the harsh light of reality shed upon the carefully constructed illusions of my self-image. I try to quickly brush under the rug those moments that shatter my delusions. Much like a child tries to hide the fragments of a broken dish.
From a link posted in Michelle's recent blog post:
People who find it easy to be supportive and understanding to others, it turns out, often score surprisingly low on self-compassion tests, berating themselves for perceived failures like being overweight or not exercising....Wow! Does that hit like a ton of bricks! When I'm not ignoring reality, I am unbelievably brutal on myself. I don't often say this out loud but I have this deep-seated belief that if people truly knew me they wouldn't like me. I think the emotional barriers I've constructed have manifested as physical barriers. It's much easier to believe that people dismiss me because of my physical self than my real self.
I have taken on a project of de-cluttering my life. It has started with my physical dwelling. The effects are amazing. I feel so much more peace in my home. I think, maybe, it's time to take some of the emotional clutter and free up some space to feel more at peace with myself.