Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony. ~ Thomas Merton

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Other Shoe

Damn that shoe. That blasted "other shoe."

Last night was beautiful. After our freak cold snap on Monday, the temps climbed up into the 60s. The sun broke through the clouds. When I arrived at the barn, it was quiet. Cricket greeted me willingly at the door. And yet all I did was brush her and then feed all the horses. Didn't pull my saddle out. Didn't clip a line on her and play for a bit. Nothing.

My motivation has been stalled. I promised myself something every day until camp. But yet I just balk at getting back on her unless someone else is there to kind of push and prod me. Didn't have this problem during my 30 day program last fall. So what's the problem?

I'll tell you what it is. It's that shoe. That blasted "other shoe." And waiting for it to fall.

See, every good thing with Cricket has eventually been squashed by that other shoe, falling when I least expect it. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid the beautiful things we have achieved will be mashed when that other shoe drops. So if I don't do anything, the shoe will have nothing to squelch. We can rest, albeit lightly, on our laurels and I can say, "this is what we have done."

Unfortunately, resting on laurels leaves you stymied forever in the past. There's no new things to talk about, no new adventures to have, no new accomplishments. That's not what I want.

The trust I must find is not necessarily in Cricket but in us. I need to believe the foundation we are building is solid. I need to believe what she is offering is not a fluke. I need to believe in our partnership. It's hard.

So I have a new goal for my program with Cricket. To do something. To not be paralyzed looking skyward, wondering where the "other shoe" might be. If it does happen to fall, leaving tread marks on my head, then I'll get up - as I always have - and figure out how to move on.


Naturally Gaited said...

Wow, Lisa, I totally get that.. Is there a way to let go of the expectation? (Not that I can!) Keep showing up and taking those baby-steps!! ;-)

Lisa said...

I think I figured it out. It's simple, really. But not easy.

Just show up. And just address the horse that shows up. Live in the moment. Don't worry about the shoe.


If I just see where Cricket is and what she needs then we're okay. She's never going back to the way she was before (seemingly unpredictable, moody, bucking etc.). We've addressed many of those issues at their root cause - no band-aids.

If today she doesn't feel ready to work on the canter then we'll find something else to address. And it doesn't matter. Progress - even in small steps - is still moving forward.