Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony. ~ Thomas Merton

Monday, August 10, 2009

Just Not My Day

I'm having an Eeyore day. And I mean Eeyore in the gloomiest of gloomiest ways. I feel like I'm under my own personal black rain cloud.

My back is hurting. It's been hurting off and on for several weeks and nothing seems to make it better. It eased off tremendously after my last Pilates session but it's back with a vengence right now.

I had a really good weekend. A very good friend of mine came to visit. She brought a horse and her darling daughter. It was fun to have a "grown-up girl slumber party" for a few days. As an introvert it was terribly exhausting but the company was fantastic. My back was feeling good so I was able to ride on Friday. Cricket was fantastic. We just did a little walk and trot in the arena and then in an open paddock. There wasn't a single hint of her headshaking so that made it a very good day. Saturday we did a little liberty in the round corral and she started to offer me her close range circle game again. I feel our liberty connection is becoming more and more solid.

Then something happened Saturday afternoon that has turned everything upside down. I don't want to go into the details because that's not appropriate.

It relates to my audition assessment. It's causing me to completely re-evaluate my participation in and commitment to Parelli as an organization. It's is making me nervous and sick to my stomach. I hate feeling this way. I'm trying to put things in perspective. I'm trying to muster all my emotional fitness. But I am at such a fragile place with my horse and it's hard. It may be one of the hardest moments in my whole journey.

I just don't know if this is fun any more. It seems around every corner lurks another obstacle and they seem to be piling up faster than I can deal with them. I just don't know.


Tina said...

I'm sorry to hear you're so down. If you want to email, please do! I've been through a lot of ups and downs in my journey so far, too. I hope you'll stick with it!


Lisa said...

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. I've had Cricket for six years and it's been the wildest roller coaster ride. It's just so hard to keep going when I just *know* there are more and more obstacles.

The problem is also that Cricket is not a horse I can sell. She is just too sensitive and too internal (not nec. introverted - it's weird) and she could so easily land in the wrong hands.

Sometimes I just feel stuck. And that's just not fun. And as PP says, when it stops being fun it's hard to commit the funds. Cricket takes A LOT of my funds.

I'm not making any rash decisions. I have my camp with Carol in less than 2 months. We'll just take it a bit at a time.


Tina said...

I know exactly what you mean about her not being sell-able. Dixie is the same for me. Just remember that there are hills and valleys in everything, and you're bound to start going back up eventually. Hang in there...Cricket wants you to!

Tell us more about your camp!

Lisa said...

Things are turning around. I sent an email to Parelli, directed to Linda, and I have received some wonderful and caring support from her.

It's just that there are those days when you wonder if it's all worth it. I had one of those days and it's probably the lowest moment in my entire journey. I just felt like there was no way out.

I cannot wait until camp. I love Carol - being going to her place for five years now. This will be my fourth camp with this group of people, of which two are my very best friends. It's such a safe learning environment for me - learning from an instructor I trust and respect (even when we disagree) and being surrounded by good friends. I'll post all about it when I get back.