I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread. - Bilbo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings
abandon, abdicate, back out, bail out, bow out, chicken out, cop out, cut loose, desert, discard, discontinue, ditch, drop, drop out, duck, dump*, dust*, flake out, fly the coop, give up the ship, kiss goodbye, leave, leg it, let go, opt out, pull out, quit, run out on, screw, ship out, stop, storm out, surrender, take a powder, take a walk, throw over, vacate, walk out on, wash hands of, withdraw, yield.
In other words, I give. I simply cannot commit to my 30 day program.
I had a fairly major meltdown this weekend. I came to the conclusion that I am simply exhausted. There are too many pulls on my time and resources and I simply cannot handle it.
So I'm cutting back, scaling back and in other words just learning to say, "No."
After pulling myself out of the ashes of my crash, I spent good time with both horses on Sunday. I gave Cricket a medicated shampoo bath in the hopes of alleviating whatever is causing her to rub raw spots on her neck. She stood like a champ for her bath, even when the hose was on her face and between her ears.
Later the same day, when it was cooler and the humidity slightly less oppressive, I returned to the barn to play with Bleu.
We did a little Touch It on the 12' and she is quite eager to find her cookies on the different obstacles in the arena. I had Ed move one of my bridges into the arena so we played with that in simulation for trailer loading. I need to be diligent about this as my plan is to take Bleu to fall camp and I want the trip to be as uneventful as possible.
I switched to the 22' and we played with some Figure 8 and circles. For the F8, I just want her to find the draw as she comes around the cone - she tends to zone out a little when in motion. On the circle game, she offered more relaxation and less anxiety. I asked for a little bit of canter with some "mirror me" and her transitions were racing and somewhat unbalanced but relatively unemotional. I think she's starting to figure out I want an upward transition and not just more speed.
I saddled her and rode her. There were other horses in the arena and though none were her pasture-mates, I think she felt a little more secure. We played with gait and direction, whoa and go. She gave me some good, sustained trotting and I jumped off and called it a win.
Yesterday I mustered enough energy to go feed. When turning them out, Bleu paused in her gateway and I came in to scratch her. For the very first time since she came into my life, she let down her reserve and thoroughly enjoyed the scratches and attention. That just made my day.
I'm still committed to playing with them both - on some level, even if that's only friendly game. I just need the breathing room to just be.